Dark Helmet: Snickers Fan
by bauerfreak
Summary: Psychotic: Sort of a crossover with Spaceballs. What would it be like if Dark Helmet was a Snickers shipper? teehehe


A/N: Upon a recent viewing of Spaceballs, this psychotic idea came to be. Don't know where it came from or why…my mind is just twisted. Please know that I really have nothing against Grissom and he's actually one of my favorite characters on the show. I know there's lots of GSR lovers out there, so please know I have nothing against you. They'd actually probably be my second favorite pairing after Snickers. So please don't write me any hate mail b/c I'm just having fun here…this is coming from the mind of Dark Helmet, not my personal opinions. Thanks to MrsEads and CSI3Snickers for letting me bounce this off them. This is what would happen if Dark Helmet was a closet Snickers fan….

He had the six CSI dolls he'd ordered off of ebay sitting in front of him in his private chambers. After checking to see that no one was nearby, Dark Helmet excitedly sat down at the table, looking over his playthings. Handmade Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Nick, Sara, and Greg. What more could he ask for? CSI was his favorite show, but the writers had it all wrong! Dark Helmet took hold of his Grissom action figure and jiggled him around as he made him speak.

"Team…you will all be working the same case tonight. I will watch as you hand feed and pamper each and every insect in my collection. Now get to work!" He boomed.

He picked up his Catherine doll to protest.

"Gil! Gil! Gil!" His voice was high-pitched and bitchy. "That's not fair! I refuse! I mean, I could be shaking my hot ass on the strip right now for twice the money I make, but I have self respect! I have female instinct!"

"Put a cork in it, Catherine! You have dung beetles to feed!"

He made Catherine give a huff and then threw the doll off to the side, and made Warrick follow. Grabbing both the dolls again, he made kissy sounds and pounded their heads together. Then, he turned back to the others.

Grissom made a motion with his hand, dabbing something on his face.

"Oops! Hey Sara, I accidentally got chalk on my face. Will you dust it off?" He said in a dorky voice.

Dark Helmet took a hold of the Sara figure and trotted over to Grissom.

"Grissom…I….I find you strangely attractive, even though you're old enough to be my father. I like to choose men who are emotionally unavailable and I look for approval in all the wrong places!" His voice squeaked in his impression of Sara.

"Yes." He said in a deep voice. "You find yourself very attracted to me and you don't know why. Perhaps it is my vast, uncomparable bug collection, my social ineptness, or perhaps my nerdy entomological humor that no one gets. You want me…you NEED me…honey….KISS ME SARA!"

Dark Helmet made Sara walk slowly to Grissom, making gasping sounds as she went. Then, all of a sudden out of no where, Nick's action figure came over and head butted Grissom right in the stomach.

"Not so fast, Grissom!" said Nick, then he hoppled over to Sara. "Hi honey."

"Nick Stokes!" He boomed as Grissom, "You are much younger than I! In fact, you are Sara's age and are a logical romantic interest for her. How dare you challenge my wooing!"

"Stop robbing the cradle, Grissom! Go back to having lunch with your Carabus violaceus and leave my Sara alone!"

"Make me!"

"I will!"

Then, the two action figures started to have at each other. Dark Helmet held Grissom's doll down as Nick stomped on his chest repeatedly, chanting, "Bugs suck! Bugs suck!"

"My heart! And my ears! I can't hear!" Grissom shouted. "And my bowleggedness is getting worse!"

"That'll teach you! Stay away from my girl!" Nick told him, and trotted over to Sara. Dark Helmet made kissing sounds, having the two action figures make out.

"Oh, thank you Nick! How can I ever repay you?"

"Weeeellllll…." He pondered, first looking down at his crotch. "We could go make out on my Texas University rug! I come from Texas, if you haven't heard."

"Oh, Nick…you're so ro-"

"Dark Helmet!" Colonel Sanders barged through the door from behind and Dark Helmet quickly gathered the action figures close to his body, an embarrassed expression forming on his face.

"What!" He screamed.

"We're under attack! Come quickly!"

"Did you see anything?"

"No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!"

"Knock next time!"

Colonel Sanders shut the door after a "Yes, sir!" and proceeded back to the main part of the ship. Dark Helmet slowly let the dolls fall back onto the table, and played with the Catherine doll, making her legs scissor kick.

"You know Catherine," He said, actually being Dark Helmet, "You would make a great dominatrix. You and Grissom should date. I hear he has a thing for them….if you can get his mind away from those damn creepy bugs."

Dark Helmet got up and stuffed the dolls into his large coat's pockets, for later.

"To be continued."

A/N: So not really, I won't continue. That's it. I know I'm psycho, but let me know what you think.


End file.
